


Hoping you are someone I used to know

by nynyve



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clarke is feeling isolated and heartbroken, F/M, I love angst so here is my take on what can happen, set after 5x06
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 08:09:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14930462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nynyve/pseuds/nynyve
Summary: The small communications room is almost full with what’s left of Skykru. Clarke can see the way Monty looks at her, unsure of everything, and the small smile in Harper’s lips. They are not comfortable around her, not like they used to be. She understands: two days ago Clarke Griffin was a memory, a corpse, just dust in the wind.It hurts anyway.‘We need to talk about Octavia’ Clarke starts but she can see the way Bellamy’s lips are pressed into a thick line.‘Yes, Clarke, we need to talk. For starters, how about you tell us about what is going on with Madi?’ he asks, voice leveled, arms crossed.





	Hoping you are someone I used to know

**Author's Note:**

> Considering we have to wait another week to see what special place in hell the writers have prepared for us I thought some of you could like a little bit more of the drama! feelings! angst! festival we are currently living. Which I absolutely adore.
> 
> Title was inspired by this fantastic graphic by starklys on tumblr: https://starklys.tumblr.com/post/174307221854/cause-ive-been-by-myself-all-night-long-hoping
> 
> Please forgive any gramatical mistakes you can find, as english is not my first language :)

 

Indra comes into her tent at dawn and doesn’t even need to look at her sour expression.

‘Octavia won’t hurt Madi’ she declares, and Clarke scoffs.

‘Maybe not on purpose. Or maybe someone of her fanatic cult realizes Madi is a threat to her power and hurts her.’ Indra’s back stiffens and Clarke’s brow worries even more ‘You know, I was hoping you denied that possibility.’

‘There are people around Octavia I don’t trust’ the older woman declares ‘That’s why we need Bellamy.’

‘Bellamy is the last of my concerns now. I have a daughter on the verge of being killed and I’m frankly sick of the Blake family drama.’

‘You care about him’ Indra states and Clarke looks at her, the echo of a past conversation returning in full force, ‘I have seen the way you act around them. You feel alone. You are afraid of not knowing them anymore, the Skykru and also Octavia. I recognized your behavior because it is the same as mine.’

A silence of understanding falls upon the two women standing in the tent.

‘What happened during the dark year?’ Clarke asks in a small voice, almost shy.

‘What happened at Mount Weather?’ the warrior replies without missing a beat. ‘We lost our souls in order to survive.’

Clarke feels the prick of tears in her eyes. She feels like being one million years old.

‘Life should be about more than just surviving. I have been living these past years, Indra. Now I can’t get used to simply survive again.’

‘There is still Octavia behind the Boldreina mask. But she doesn’t remember how to be that girl anymore. The only person that can reach her is Bellamy.’

‘I think we are past that point. Bellamy-he’s not the same person he used to be. He has been completely blind about his sister and now believes she is a monster. Which frankly I can understand’ the hushed tone in which she had said to Madi  _you are Wonkru now_  makes Clarke shudder.

‘Which is why we need each other’ Indra’s word are charged with a certainty Clarke wishes she could feel. ‘I know Octavia. You know Bellamy. We can end this war, Wanheda. You can command death on the other direction for Wonkru.’

 

***

 

_Working on the Blakes relationship is working on Madi’s safety_.

She repeats it once again.

_Working on the Blakes relationship is working on Madi’s safety._

The mantra is been on her head the whole night.

_Focus, Clarke. Focus on Madi._  We can end this war, Indra’s voice whispers in her ear.

But she has a black hole in her chest, a hole that used to be filled with Madi’s smile and hope for the future.

_Working on the Blakes relationship is working on Madi’s safety._

And so she pushes the metal door open.

The small communications room is almost full with what’s left of Skykru. Clarke can see the way Monty looks at her, unsure of everything, and the small smile in Harper’s lips. They are not comfortable around her, not like they used to be. She understands: two days ago Clarke Griffin was a memory, a corpse, just dust in the wind.

It hurts anyway.

‘We need to talk about Octavia’ Clarke starts but she can see the way Bellamy’s lips are pressed into a thick line.

‘Yes, Clarke, we need to talk. For starters, how about you tell us about what is going on with Madi?’ he asks, voice leveled, arms crossed.

She snaps her head up and opens her mouth, but the venom is feeling does not come out. Clarke soothes the red rage blinding her with a deep breath and steads herself planting her legs as if she was going into battle.

Everyone in the room notices the charged atmosphere.

‘I did not treat Madi with my blood after Praimfaya, she is a natural-born nightblood. Now Octavia knows it, and Madi is been officially admitted into Wonkru.’

That seems to startle Bellamy enough to stop his scowling.

‘As I am sure all of you would understand, my daughter is in real danger now. A danger that has nothing to do with Diyoza’s army. Madi is on Blodreina’s hands.’

‘You think she is going to hurt her?’ Monty asks. He has a dark look Clarke remembers all too well; last time she saw it a list with 100 names was in his hands.

‘I-I am not sure. I don’t know anymore. But is her people who scares me, if they perceive Madi as a threat to Octavia’s power they will get her out of the way.’  There. She has said it out loud. The hole in her chest deepens a bit.

Monty and Harper are suddenly looking at her with an unsure expression and she gets the reason a second later: they have never seen her so scared before. They have never seen her so powerless.

She has never  _felt_  this powerless.

Clarke clears her throat.

‘There is only one person that can reach to Octavia, and that’s Bellamy. So, I need you to talk to her.’

The worry in Bellamy’s expression vanishes as soon as Clarke finishes the sentence.

‘Well, then we are going to have to find another solution, because I am done talking with Blodreina’ he says the title as if he has something bitter on his mouth. ‘She sent Echo on an almost suicide mission, has killed her own people and has no interest into stopping a war. That person is not my sister.’

There has been a new Bellamy since they reunited again: a balanced, reasoning, calmed Bellamy that uses his head and finds answers in it.

Clarke hates this new Bellamy with the energy of one hundred suns.

She hates the way he buried his heart, the way he behaves now, the impossibility to read his soul like she used to do, clear as water on a river. She hates him and the anger and fear and loneliness she is been experimenting since Eligius’ ship landed on earth finally explodes.

‘So that’s it?! You are not even moving one of your fucking fingers to save my daughter?! Have I become something so irrelevant in your life that you don’t give a damn if I live or die?!’

And clearly he was not expecting it.

‘Wha-‘

‘I AM SO FUCKING TIRED! All of you-‘ she confronts all the scared eyes with a trembling finger ‘-all of you landed and acted as if I was a fucking annoyance because I DIDN’T DIE! WELL I AM SO SORRY TO DISTURB YOUR PERFECT LIFES! I thought I deserved at least a bit of concern in memory of our past but I see what I have become to all of you, so don’t worry-don’t fucking worry anymore! I will save my daughter the way I have lived the past six years: ALONE!’

It is only when the door bangs and she is half way to her tent that Clarke lets the tears fall free.

 

***

 

It’s Harper’s face the one she sees when the fold of the tent opens, half an hour later.

‘Can I?’ the girl asks in a small voice. Clarke simply nods, too emotionally tired to speak. To her surprise, Harper sits right next to her and takes her hand. They stay like that, in silence, for a long time. ‘You don’t seem real.’

‘Why?’

‘You are-you are the way we would always dream you would be if you were alive. So full of force. So beautiful. Strong. And because of that you didn’t seem real. You were too perfect, so we thought you were a dream. A ghost.’ There are tears in her eyes. ‘I am holding your hand, I am feeling your pulse, and I still can’t believe you are actually here.’

It’s only when Clarke has her head into Harper’s shoulder while they are hugging that she notices the way they are holding each other: as tight as their arms allow, afraid of losing the other one.

‘We are family, Clarke. And family protects each other’ Harper whispers.

For the first time in a long while, Clarke feels safe.

 

***

 

‘And then Octavia moved her sword like this and disarmed the other guy in a second! It was so cool!’ Madi’s excitement can barely be contained but Clarke’s smile doesn’t reach her eyes and Octavia notices.

‘Your mother is still worried we hurt you, sweetheart’ Blodreina says with a cold smile. Clarke knows she is walking on thin ice.

‘That’s what parents do, I think. Worry all the time. Now I understand my mother.’

‘You were never this weak before, Clarke’ the younger Blake snaps at her ‘I guess you are getting too old for this.’

‘Being the Commander of Death twice was enough soul-consuming for me, Octavia. If you think now I am weaker because I value life above death then I completely am. But I am not the only one, it seems. I have seen the way you look at Bellamy.’

Blodreina’s eyes narrow dangerously.

‘I have seen the way you look at him, too’ her murmur is barely loud but it hits Clarke like a punch. Suddenly, the cold hearted mask wobbles a little and the girl that chased butterflies a lifetime ago is back there, looking a bit lost, 'When I saw you two, I thought... I wish he-'

Clarke's eyes lock with Octavia's.

None of them speak another word, Madi in the middle looking curiously, until the mask is back on. 

 

***

  
Bellamy's scowl softens inmediatly the moment he walks on her. Her current anxiety attack is clear in her face and body language and seeing his face is too much.

He catches her before her body collapses with the wall, but his arms are like consuming flames, and with a last effort Clarke pushes him away.

'No!' it comes out like a screamed whisper, too weak, too anguished. 'Don't touch me'.

The hurt is clear in his eyes, and he lets her go.

_Breathe in, breathe out._

She knows exactly what is going on, so her mind focuses on a single thing and grips on it.  _  
_

_Working on the Blakes relationship is working on Madi’s safety_.

_Madi’s safety._

_Madi._

Clarke rests her head in her arms, pushing up her knees sitting on the floor and breathes. Is not until the fog in her breath fades a little that she notices Bellamy is sitting next to her, head leaning on the cemented wall, eyes staring.

Not touching.

She _wishes_ he had never returned.

At least that way he would still be her Bellamy.

'Madi is safe. I promise you Clarke. She is.' His voice is softer than she remembers, deeper, richer.

'You can't promise that. You have no power to promise that' her mind is still dizzy.

'I only have the power to assure you I won't let anything bad happen to Madi, Clarke. I'll defend her with my life if it's what it takes.'

'What if the person you have to defend Madi from is Octavia?'

Bellamy sighs.

'You were always good using your heart Bellamy. I need you to use it again. For Madi. I know your sister is still there, under that red mask, if we could reach to her, if we could make her see-' she's babbling now, eyes almost feverish.

'Look at me, Clarke, please.'

Reluctantly, she complies.

'I would gladly give my life for any children in danger. But this is your child. I know she's your family. I know how much you love her. That's enough for me. You know the kind of person I am.'

'I used to' Clarke mumbles.

He raises his hand slowly, giving her time to move if she doesn't want it to touch her. But that is precisely the problem, she thinks, a second too late, the moment his fingers are already caressing her hair and forehead.

She _wants_ to.

Perhaps that's why her eyes close unintentionally and her head searches for his heat.

'We can't be that different' Bellamy whispers, voice broken.

'But we are' Clarke answers simply, her own eyes barely restraining the tears. 'All of us. Even Octavia.'

'O has been a stranger for me since we opened that bunker. You... I can't read your head like I used to, before. But I can see your heart. And it's the same' his palm is callused and big and radiates warm.

_No, you are wrong. Is not the same. Now is yours, but you don't know. You never will._

'I will try it. I will try to talk to her' his face is so close now she can feel his breath but she dares not opening her eyes 'I will do it for you.'

The moment Clarke realizes the soft caress on her cheek were his lips kissing her Bellamy is already gone.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Yell at (or with) me if you want :D


End file.
